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Anxiety_makes_me_stronger
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Name: Anxiety_makes_me_str
Gender: Female
Interests: weight,weight,weight,calories per day,books,bodycombat,yoga,and weight as well.
Expertise: languages,bulimia,sports,literature.
Occupation: english teacher and recovering
Industry: teaching,tourism
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/27/2006
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| failed again at SI,crap i hate im back doing that shit,also im like "part time" (wtf) back to this damn binge purge cycle and i don't know how to to stop all of this at once,all was kinda fine till i had a fight with mom and my sister cause of stupid things.Have u ever realized fucked up families can make a living hell from a daily life situation?Have u ever also realized some families are just not meant to be united???and when they spend some time together is all total mess and argues,cries,etc???like we do better in terms of ED,SI and such just when keeping some distance from our twisted families??
when im with my fiance and far away from my parents and sister i feel some sorta relief,im actually glad we re going to live at the other side of the world so we wont need to meet my parents and my sister so often,only bout 2-3 times a year,if not less...actually on my last getaway from work I spent all my free days in Frankfurt with him and i felt so damn happy i didn't have to stand mom and sis bitchy,classy mood 24/7,my anxiety started to vanish,i was eating healthy,didn't purge or binged a single day there,i gained some pounds but didn't feel sad or mad bout it,i wasn't on my highest weight neither on my lowest and it felt great just being at an average weight and didn't care if what was in front of me was high or low cals at all!damn i miss my fiance,i miss Frankfurt,I miss feeling careless and being myself,I miss his support,but i NEVER missed mom,maybe my sis sometimes,but NEVER EVER missed mom.You should know the main reason of my self harm and bulimic behaviors were a post traumatic consequence cause she psychologically and physically harmed me since I was 4 till I was 15.and I don't even live with her.you see,a couple of days a week having to stand her around me is the worst feeling ever.
Have to admit we always argue,we re not easygoing people any of us.Mum is narcissist, she had a liposuction surgery recently done and some other shit cause she cannot stand the fact she is getting old,surgeries wont get her back at 20s or get her a new boyfriend,she is the typical #successful# -hot-smart-bank manager who only cares about herself,the way she looks and give a damn about others,wish mum could have been different,wouldn't mind having a fat or not so pretty mom,always wanted to have a real mom,not a model look-a-like 40s stranger taken from a Sex and The City chapter,I just wanted a mom who would make me feel ok about myself,someone to listen to my worries and clean my tears...one of these moms u can find everywhere,just the average mom,someone who could have made me feel loved when i was a child,not someone who hired nannies to take care of me since being born,didn't need a mom pointing at me all the time cause i am fat,not even obese but lil bit fat,who took me to nutritionists,wako therapists,and even more fucked up specialists cause i wasn't thin or smart enough for her so she thought somebody else could clean the mess i am instead of giving me a damn hug,thats all i needed mom!u didn't need to spend tons of money on people u thought who could fix me inside and outside,u just needed to make me feel loved and i could have stopped binge eating,purging and hating myself for being alive.as simple as that...Im glad my sister was born a glandular skinny girl,at least she didn't have to receive all the damage i did.but on the other hand i feel sad she got to be as bitchy and superficial as u.thanks God my grandma got my tuition and not u or my dad...cause my grandma gave me all the love u didn't.and it was for free!!but what a shame she took me away from your house when the 90% of the trauma was already done and stabbed deep inside me. :(
I know all the suffering and sickness will end once I get reunited with my fiance,life gave me the most wonderful soon to be husband so i could have a real,well-formed family with him.Just have to wait a lil bit more,marriage is the end of the road,some more months and ill leave this awful place flying to my new home with my darling,just the 2 of us.and someday I'll open my eyes and he will be lying next to me and we wont need to go to moms house on Sundays cause well be in Germany,far far far fuckin away from my pain. | | |
| Here i am...waiting for what the blood tests have to say...
Im starting to think im sooo in love and missing my fiance I fell sick due to that,now i truly know someone can really be lovesick like i am...Im scared someday he will say he doesnt love me anymore,he is all my world,all my hopes,my future hubby,he is all i want...and im scared,even if i shouldn't,even if he make or relationship public to everybody and rub in everybody's face how glad he is to be with me and to marry me...etc...but no matter what still feeling people is gonna leave me sooner than later...
well..gotta go...update later
hugs
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| Ugh...I might have a blood virus or so,got ALL the damn blood tests required by my ED doc taken they'll be ready for Friday evening or Saturday morning,so here i am waiting for a diagnosis,but it literally feels like my blood cells are having quite a carnival inside,even the effort to get up from my bed to the bathroom for a pee is like a HUGE effort,and im supposed to be a kick boxing player i usually do long work shifts and lots of training,since about 1 week i haven't been able to do any of those,my ED history says a lot about anemia or mononucleosis,,but he thinks it might b something else inside,never felt so sick,tired and weak.not even on my lowest,this scares me to death,it sux feeling so sick and not having an idea of whats going on...There is also a chance I got an STD in Germany,maybe isn't that but my doc says theres a few chances for my @unknown@ disease to be sth sexually related...omgz....cant wait to see the results so i can have at least a decent treatment :(
hugs! | | |
| Hey girls!
miss you all.I know we haven't been in contact whatsoever,some of you haven't blog here like in forever or just deleted their journals,wish things could be like in the old days back to when i opened this xanga,2006-7??well,I was at my last years at college,life didn't suck this much except for my love life,the only thing that is kinda keeping moi on earth are my family and my fiance,he is the most awesome couple a girl could ever have...
back to 2006 i was a lot thinner and younger,suddenly i got fat and here i am.I think the fact my man lives overseas is killing me...we re fixing all the damn details to get married cause we love each other,we wanna have kids and also cause thats the only way a non EU member can get to live with the person she wants to live,love,etc... FUCK GERMAN BUREAUCRACY!!!! The country is pretty cool,updated,yada yada but in terms of immigration laws it pretty much suck...whats wrong with them??now a german like my fiance has to show 239490384982349823482390213218390128 papers to probe I aint a faker or whatever they think I might be cause I was born in south America, thats racism, I know is the people up there in government the ones that fuck all over cause I have lots of German friends trying to stay with their real-not arranged-legal couples and cannot cause of the stupidity of their non sense laws.Its ok to control whats coming to live in the country,but I think this is too much...Im getting tired of visiting lawyers,embassies,offices,etc just to be reunited with my fiance,wish we could live here in my place but he cannot have the medication and care he needs if he moves here.damn hell!!and if we get a good doctor to check on him twice a month that would be so damn expensive we couldn't even dream to afford the treatment.his healthy is excelent by the current because of his health insurance in Germany.
But we re not giving up on this,if they want us to show everybody we re madly in love and all the legal shit they want us to legalize,translate,etc WE WILL...we re already on it.we will get married and we will live together whenever we want to live cause we re human beings,we re not doing anything wrong and there is no law that says people cant fight to be together and love each other no matter the distance or circumstances....how about that???
Im sorry,I needed to vent whats going on in my mind rite now...Love and miss yall!
hugs!
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| Hi girls i missed u all so,its been 3 years since i got started on Xanga...I remember being at college and looking for support in regards of my ED...still struggling against the monster inside my soul,im not on my worst moment,since i met the love of my live i kinda learnt to love myself just the way i am a lil bit more but still hearing the voice inside moi saying how fat,disgusting and pathetic i am,but i havent purged since April,on my last holidays I gained some weight...starting to get mad about it.
ill update more later
xoxoxoxo
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